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Strong: Handle with Care Oct 16 2022

I’m not sure that having a blog will do anything other than help keep my thoughts organized, which if you know me is probably a really good thing. But mostly I think this blog is for me because I find joy in writing and I don’t do it enough. I find power in writing and lately I have been feeling fragile. I find being transparent on how I am feeling is hard when it is one on one conversations, but when I am shouting into the void it seems easy. So here I find myself, shouting into the void. Existing in the liminal space I always have and hoping there are other people existing in this space too.

Eventually these writings will be a reflection on projects I am working on, a reflection of access measures being implemented and a hopeful reflection. For today, this writing is just about how I am feeling.

I have been thinking a lot about care and fragility. And how those things relate to me. I think as a disabled person I often have to push aside my own needs to not feel looked down upon. That the hours everyone else works are also the hours I have to work. That the method everyone else works at is also the method I have to work at. Even as a disabled person this internal learned ableism still affects me! It is also crucial to remember that ableism is ingrained in my way of thinking. When I project this expectation centered in ableism on myself, I am also unintentionally projecting it on to those around me (ICKY!).

So care and fragility? I think a lot about how packages say handle with care on them. I feel like I should have that printed on me lately:

Fragile: Handle with Care.

Strong: Handle with Care.

Determined: Handle with Care.

At Capacity: Handle with Care.

Thinking about the World and It’s Current State and Trying to Remember the Way I Treat Myself is a Reflection of How I Treat Others and That It Is Not My Fault Learned Systems Have Caused This Thinking But It Is My Responsibility to Dismantle These Systems Starting Within My Own Thought Processes: Handle with Care.

Okay, that last one might be a little bit long and wordy, but it is still true. Can you imagine if these were the labels that were acceptable to wear? How lucky we would be. How easily we could move through the world if everyone immediately knew how we were feeling and how we felt we needed to be treated.

I am not the thoughts I have but I am inherently responsible for what I do with those thoughts and how I process them. So today, to work on dismantling thoughts of ableism towards myself so that I can continue to do that for others: Where do these thoughts stem from? How can I recognize and dismantle ableism in my own thought process? What can I do for myself to practice care?

Today the answer is rest. I am hoping in the next couple of weeks I will practice rest. This body of mine is tired. But it is mine and I need to take care of it. I think I will start directly letting people know exactly what I need from them. I need softness, and time, and space, and care. That is the sign I am wearing these days on this body of mine. It is also important I reflect on myself.

For the next little while, Note to Self: Handle with Care and Patience.

-s.g.


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